A Heavy Heart

I've always felt such a deep sorrow in my heart for women who aren't able to have children, or struggle with the loss of holding onto a pregnancy. But yesterday I experienced first hand just how hard that loss is when I realized I had miscarried. There really aren't words for the emotions I felt knowing that I wouldn't get to carry that sweet little baby. A lot of tears were shed, of course, accompanied with feelings of deep sadness, regret, and grief. I felt like I might have already known that little child. Although I know this is a part of life and part of the process of building a family, it still leaves me with such a heavy heart.

I sort of knew from the beginning, however, that things weren't going to go as smoothly as they did with my first pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant with macie I was immediately flooded with thoughts of that sweet little baby, and the new adventure that pregnancy would bring. When I tested positive just last week with this baby, I never felt that euphoria of knowing I would get a baby at the end of it. I had so many doubts running through my head; what if there was something wrong with me or the baby? What if it was a tubal pregnancy? What if I wouldn't be able to carry it? And sure enough, my biggest fear was confirmed. It was a process of a few days that started my weekend off. I, of course, scoured the Internet to find information about bleeding at just five weeks along. I found stories of women who miscarried and stories of women who kept their babies. I was hopeful I was part of the group who kept their baby. I took another pregnancy test to ease my mind, and sure enough, it came back positive. But when the bleeding didn't stop after three days, I was pretty concerned. I went to an OB/GYN clinic here in bountiful and they did a free pregnancy test. Unfortunately, it came back negative. My heart sank in that instant that I heard those words.

I am trying to stay positive. I know that something must not have been right with that body for it to develop properly to house a spirit. So, I know that I will still get to meet that baby of mine, just not when I thought. The Lord is miraculous that way. I have faith in His plan of eternal families, and know that Dallas and I will be blessed to meet our baby one day.